Yes, Sometimes in Recovery, We Go to Bars Transcript
Preeti Davidson (00:00)
Good morning. It's Preeti Favorite sober girl. I don't know where that came from. Probably don't try to brand yourself in the middle of a recording. Good note. I had a fun night last night. I went out with a couple of my favorite people to a dive bar in town.
Yeah, we go to bars where can be sober and go to bars. That's definitely not what I did on day 10 or 30 or maybe even 300, but three years in, I go to bars, but not for the drinking and not for the scene, not for the socializing specifically in a bar. went because some friends were playing in a band and I never heard them before.
and their new friends also. And we were invited. was really great. It's so lovely to experience things for the first time. And that's another gift of sobriety. We take for granted, I know I take for granted rather, my day in and day out. My days are very routinized.
structure in my days. And so I've built a lot of structure around my days and a lot of time to rest and a lot of time to rejuvenate and a lot of self care while I'm getting things accomplished while I'm getting through my task list. But social time is something
I didn't know I could do without the lubricant, without the social lubricant of alcohol. I'm very anxious socially, at least I used to be. I don't think I am anymore. I think I'm actually pretty calm. And part of that is probably age, 45 with all the things I've been through and overcome and some of the self -esteem that that's built. And also I think having a really good support system.
knowing who loves me, knowing that I am cared for, that I'm loved, that I'm lovable, maybe feeling lovable for the first time, I'm able to enjoy myself and be myself and whoever that may be, whoever shows up that day makes me sound like I have multiple personalities. Maybe we all do, right? To a certain extent.
I, so we went to this, so we went to this bar and we, this band, really great musicians. And it was so much fun. It's just so nice to be out. It's so nice to be out and be sober and be part of the world, but actually part of it, right? Cause there's nothing that's altering me or my experience. And all I ever used to want was an altered experience. And
That is the opposite of what I enjoy. And I think what happened is that in the beginning, it worked. was that social lubricant. It helped me come out of my shell. It helped me feel like I belonged in some ways, in some really big ways helped me feel like I was a part of the world. And then it did everything in its power to isolate me and remove me from my friends and my family and
things that matter to me. So going out and we weren't out that late. I think that's the other thing about not drinking and not being part of a scene anymore is that your time is varied. You don't just do one thing. Gosh, I used to plan on going out. used to go out many, many nights a week at certain points, probably every night in a week.
everything revolved around what could happen. Who would I meet? Who would I see? If I was single, would I meet somebody I really liked? And it's all very part of a cadre of fleeting, numbing, dopamine -inducing habits that I settled for in lieu of real connection, in lieu
being present in lieu of hearing the music and feeling it and being so grateful and appreciative for the people who were making it for us. And how special is it to be invited into somebody's art? How special is it to?
participate in the things that people love and that they're good at and that they're talented, they're universe or God or whatever you believe in given talents that they've honed and put thought and care into. It's really special. And you know, when I drink and I shut down that frontal lobe and I have zero executive functioning and it's all fight or flight, I'm not thinking about somebody's talent. I'm not thinking about how amazing it is
to be surrounded by people who care about art and their craft and who spend time rehearsing and putting shows together so that other people can come in and enjoy it. what a celebration of what it is to be human. I'm not thinking about any of that as soon as I take a drink. I'm thinking about myself. I'm thinking about my next act of pleasure. I'm thinking about the external validation that can come from somebody smiling at me across a bar.
somebody sending over a drink. These are all such false indicators of likeability and lovability and belonging, but at some point they were my only ones or they were the ones that I paid the most attention to. I feel so free from all of that. I feel
a part of. And if you're like me and you suffer from addiction or if you know somebody who does, I think you probably understand how it feels to feel so separate, to feel like nobody else feels that way either. And it wasn't until I met other people in recovery that I realized that it's part of the pathology of our disease that we all feel that way. For the most part that
to various degrees feel like, well, nobody, nobody sent an invitation to this party. I don't really know what the rules are for this life. I kind of showed up and made the best of it and not totally knowing if I was meant to be here. And that's not how I feel at all
so yeah, so last night was really fun and I am in a moment of more transition, more gifts of being sober are coming my way. I've been working on this project for a few months now and I've started to write about it as well. and people who love me and believe in me are really encouraging me and supporting
and that feels great, but I'm having the crisis of competence. I'm having the imposter syndrome. Am I really doing this? Does anybody care? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Am I really doing it to help people or do I want people to like me in this superficial way? Is this another way to numb out? I don't think so. But what I'm grateful for is the awareness that I gotta watch for
because that's just how my brain is built and it's okay. Now that I know, my friend Janet always says, you can't know what you can't know. So now that I know that I have a tendency to take even good things and do them excessively or use them
feel a part of rather than actually just being a part of. Although you're gonna hear snow plows because it snowed again last night in Connecticut. So apologies if that's in the background. It's 623 in the morning.
This weekend is gonna be full of my people, my tribe, my community, connecting with friends, hopefully that maybe I haven't had a chance to talk to, being really mindful of who it is that I need to catch up with. Got to catch up with my mom last night on my way home.
but it also needs to be about this project and moving things forward and writing and committing to certain things. And I feel anxious about that this morning. My therapist says that excitement and anxiety feel the same in the body. So I've been trying to take what I would normally describe as anxiety.
and just decide that it's excitement. I'm excited that I get to write today. I'm excited that I'll submit a pitch to a publication and see if they want to hear about my bottom. And I'll use my tools and my community, my connections to people who care about me. And I'll use the goals
my life is providing for me. I'm really used to just setting my own goals and following through or not sometimes.
But I'm living a different kind of life now where I'm paying attention to sort of where I'm being pointed. And again, it doesn't really matter if you define who's doing the pointing. I just know that there's kind of a flow to my life. And that when I get up in the mornings and I say three things out loud that I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for these snowplows, despite the fact that they're making some noise. I'm grateful
I turned on this new camera that I hooked up and while I was racking my brain the night before trying to get it to, I don't even know what the term is, but trying to get it right with the zoom and all of that. And it didn't work and I was so frustrated. I'm grateful that for some reason I turned the camera on and it's perfect this morning. And I'm grateful for the friends that I was with last night, new and old.
New and newer.
I'm grateful that I get to come here and tell you some of what's going on in my head. It really helps me to say the truth and to say it out loud. And I don't always know what I'm gonna talk about. And I think a lot about bringing more substance and structure to these conversations and just trusting the process, giving myself grace, like I said in my last video.
There's so many dire things happening in the world. There's so much that we as humans all have to cope with and deal with and so much that we don't get to control.
The way I start my day, come what may, the gratitude that I start my day with in the morning, just naming three things off the bat that I wake up and I open my eyes and I know I have. What a game changer that is. And then I sit in meditation and I pray and praying for me is not an uber religious experience. It's not super formal either. Praying for me
connecting and having a conversation with the good that's in my life, with the good that guides
And I have all the evidence now to show that this works. This makes for a better life, truly an easier, softer way.
It makes for a life in which I'm not striving all the time, where I can enjoy what I have, where I can be in the moment, where I'm not catastrophizing the future, which I do a lot of, and I have to stop myself from doing that. They call that cognitive shift, when you know that you're going down a road that isn't healthy.
because you have your executive functioning, because you haven't numbed your frontal lobes with a drink or a drug, you can say, okay, no, we're not doing that right now. We're not worrying about the future because we have right now, what are we gonna do in this moment? What is this moment supposed to be about? What is my next right thought or action? And that's what it means, that's what it looks like for me to one day at a time my life.
And that's how I've accomplished things in recovery, including recovery itself.
So as I think about the way I want my day to unfold.
It's a word that comes to mind is organic. I want what's meant to happen to happen. And for the first time, I trust that that's to my own benefit and that I'm not getting in the way.
and I trusted my disease, although it throws a wrench. The other night I was walking the dogs and you know, I've been incurable disease. have alcoholism substance use disorder. And the thought came, gosh, you could just go across the street, sit at a bar and order a drink. And I was like, God damn. Sometimes I feel hunted
And it makes me sad, right? Because I didn't want this. I didn't want to have this illness. I didn't want to hurt from it. No one does, of course.
but I can't be in denial about it. I have an incurable disease. I can keep it in remission. I can recover. do things every single day for that. A lot of what I do is not listen to myself. A lot of what I do is listen to the good in the universe and listen to the people who care about me and bring them
makes for a better life, a really connected one.
and one in which I in turn want to connect with you so that maybe something I say is helpful to you or to someone that you love.
And the other thing I don't do is think about the past and ruminate over it. We can leave it there. We can process it, we can learn from it, we can use those lessons daily, but I don't have to berate myself or rake myself over the coals. And I don't have to do that to anybody else ever, ever again. So Saturday, the 17th of February, 2024.
starts with some snow plows and a conversation with
It'll definitely include the love for my recovery community, include some study, it'll include some reading, include some love for my dogs and walking them, they hate the snow, my gosh, they hate it.
It'll include making something nutritious and delicious to eat for myself. That kind of self care and nurturing is really important to me. And it'll include doing what I can to get over this feeling that I don't know that I'm meant to be doing this or that I'm good enough.
because maybe I don't have to be good enough. Maybe it doesn't have to be ordained and I don't need a fricking invitation. Maybe my life is the invitation. And the fact that I survived all of
that I was spared, that there was mercy, that there were glimmers of hope that brought me through, and maybe something more spiritual at play, I don't know.
I don't need to know. I'm here.
And one of the only reasons I'm here is because people who came before me held out a hand and said, come, we know how to do this and we'll show you how. And that's really my only wish. And I hope that I can be worthy of that. So thank you for listening. Thank you for the messages of encouragement, love.
And thank you for being open to wanting to change something in your life or wanting to understand what it is that changed in my life.
It's really special. It's not a small thing. And we do it together. Have a lovely day. I'll talk to you all soon.
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