Preeti Davidson (00:00.974)
Hey Curt, so there's three teen boys in your household. What's that like? Is there a lot of pulling out of hair? Is there a lot of yelling? You would think with three teen boys and a lot of testosterone, but actually having kind of worked on my parenting and worked on myself and what I want to be like as a parent, I think I see a real big difference in parents who teach versus preach.
So there's preaching, which is constantly yelling at your teen to clean up their room or bring out the trash. It goes in one ear and out the other. It is a problem that's never solved. And they get irritated as well by constantly being yelled at or told what to do. And then there's teaching, which follows a role model. Teens learn and your children learn 10 times more effectively by role modeling. It's the subliminal stuff. How do you handle stress? How do you handle something that doesn't go right in the day? So let's talk about teen
substance abuse or the pressures they're under all the way from now middle school through high school and college to drink or to vape or to use cannabis or to do whatever. They're role modeling after how you behave. You can tell them don't do this, don't do that. But when they see you come home at night and have a couple drinks, have a couple beers, you know, mommy juice, this is wine, it's okay.
They're constantly learning and watching. How does mom or dad handle stress? How does mom or dad handle bad news? How does mom or dad handle when the light bulb goes out or the car is a flat tire? And if there's alcohol involved, and you can tell them, well, you shouldn't drink till you're 21, if that's your choice and how you want to handle it, but they're watching you. They're watching how you behave and what do you do when you're frustrated. So I'm very much a believer in role modeling
for my boys as opposed to preaching at them and just yelling endlessly at them. and nothing. That's just a hamster wheel. The laundry is never gonna get picked up. The room's never gonna get clean if you haven't noticed by doing it that way. So really try to bring awareness to teaching them through your role model and where they'll learn 10 times more. So work on yourself, whether it be in therapy or being in parenting. And they will come around to that as opposed to constantly just hitting this brick wall over and over with
Preeti Davidson (02:14.798)
He never cleans his room. She never picks up. It's such a pigsty. She never does what I ask. And they just put it in the AirPods and tune you out and just give you the, you know, know, you the, give you the, hit pop palm So, being aware of what you're presenting, to your children and role modeling. Again, I just picked alcohol. It's pretty tough to tell them the poisons and the dangers of alcohol at their age when they're seeing mom and dad, drink every night, or that's part of socially drinking or on a Friday night to celebrate.
You tie one on, you get a little loopy, or you go out for a night, then you come home and mom and dad are acting a little funny. They're not stupid. So in a way, you're continuing a generational model of, hey, drinking's okay, drinking's good at 21, it's what we do socially to have fun, plus to deal with our pain and our negative things in life. We like to numb that pain with a couple beers or whiskeys or wine. And that's a powerful message. So be aware of how you're role modeling
to your children, especially regarding alcohol or things like vaping or smoking, it's important. Well, it sounds like you're calling parents to task. If we're going to role model for our kids, then we have to adjust our behaviors accordingly. And we don't get to say, do as I say, not as I do. That seems to be a fallback that a lot of us rely on. How do we eliminate do as I say, not as I do thinking in parenting?
Coming up with new tools, right? Stopping that generational, if you want to call it trauma or patterns where, hey, this is what my dad did. This is what his dad did. This is what my great grandpa did. He would come home from work and have a couple of drinks down in the basement or he was stressed. He'd have two martinis. or he'd come home. And again, it's knowing that there are tools out there in education, like at MAYA, where you can do it differently and not devalue your mother or father, whether they're alive now or not.
Their parenting, they just didn't have any other tools. They didn't know what else to do than what their parents taught them. And it's okay for you to try something different without putting shame or guilt on them that they weren't good parents. Because also remember, they gave you all the good stuff that make you a good parent and your kids admire. That came from them as well. So the thing you can work on is, what do I want my children to take from me? What came through the pipeline that I saw my father or mother do? she didn't handle this well or he didn't do this well.
Preeti Davidson (04:37.87)
hey, let me just tweak that and see if there's a different way as opposed to I'm just going to continue what their great, great, great, grand parents did and pass that right on to my children. You can break those generational patterns and give them some different ways to do things without bringing shame or guilt or devaluing your own parents and what they thought of you and how they parented. I think a lot of times it's exactly what you're saying. It's like, let's build the arsenal. Let's build our tool, our toolbox. If turning to alcohol or drugs or
food or social media, endless scrolling is the only way that we know how to self soothe or how to unwind after a hard day, then maybe we all need a few more tools in that toolbox. What are some of the tools that you use to de-stress yourself that do not include substances or anything consumable? Well, certainly getting outside, kind of the standard stuff, go for a walk, get fresh air. If you have a dog or a pet, always good to get out there. Exercise has such beneficial
just anxiety and depression. Forget you want to look good or lose weight or all that stuff. It's just a great way to de-stress. They call it a runner's high with the chemicals that are released in the body after a workout. and you will feel better and you'll be role modeling getting back to that conversation. Your children see you get exercise. It's important to you. you know, my kids have always seen me drink a gallon of water a day, but that includes all the way from when you wake up the first glass of water until you go to bed.
So they're very used to drinking a gallon of water today. And they don't ask me for Coke and Gatorade, because it's just not something they've seen me do. They very rarely see me have a drink. So that's just not part of their lives. They do see me drink a lot of water. So they now drink a lot of water. They do know I go to the gym and just get exercise or walk the dog. So they want to do it now. They're walking the dog. They go to the gym on their own memberships now at their teens. So it's instilling those role modeling patterns for the rest of their life that cause good health.
not bad health. And again, as you said, addictions are everywhere. It could be sugar to start as a kid, whether you had too many cokes or you numbed your frustration and pain with food. That's our first and easiest legal option is to get on a sugary diet and numb things that we don't like. We feel better when we stuff our stomach. So there's a lot of ways to roll them up, healthy eating. We're not trying to go to six pack abs here, but just things you can change about your daily routine to show your kids.
Preeti Davidson (06:58.158)
It's important to drink some water. Don't start with a gallon a day. Start, let them see you drink a big cup of water every day you wake up. Hey, I'm going for a walk. Huge ramifications for generations down the road if your kids pick up on those patterns and take them as their own because they love you. They want to be like you. You're their role model, whether it's, you know, mother to daughter or father to son. And self care is really important in all of this, right? So self care does include
exercise and eating healthy. But for me, it also includes, I like getting regular massages. I like walking in nature. I like doing some arts and crafts. I like watching scary movies. There's a lot of ways that we unwind. That goes right in line with the walking in nature and eating healthy and probably the 13th. That's just all normal right there. But you bring up a good point in that
There are ways to, you know, show if you take care of yourself and you're happy, your kids will be happy. Your kids will not be happy until you're happy and they see you happy because they love you and they want you to be happy. So we have this guilt that like you said, I get a massage, I take time for myself. I do what I need to. how could you? Aren't you a good parent? You should always be servicing your kids. No.
you need to get as a happy person as a parent and your kids will be 10 times happier seeing you happy. I 100% guarantee it. It's the law of the universe. So if you're not happy and you're not taking care of yourself, you have no chance of seeing because your kids feel that they see that you're unhappy and it just affects them. Absolutely. And our kids worry about us as well, right? They know when we're depressed, they know when we're anxious, they know when we're struggling, even if we're still meeting their needs, they understand
that they see that we're human and that we also have unmet needs. And I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is that we're each responsible to meet our own needs. And if we're able to do that as individuals, then the caretaking looks really different, right? So Kurt, I know that you're somebody who's really good at self -care and taking care of your mental health as well.
Preeti Davidson (09:11.63)
What does, How has your parenting changed since you've done those things on a more consistent basis? Well, I've been in therapy now over a year. I do it and I tell my kids about it. I don't hide it. I think you can absolutely make therapy as, again, it's just a generation of Gen Z and X has brought mental health to the forefront. It's no longer shameful. It's actually beneficial to talk to someone, take care of your brain and your emotions, just like you go to the gym and, you know, lift weights or go on a treadmill.
So I tell my kids, I have therapy today. I'm gonna be talking to the therapist today. And I offer it anytime they want to go to a therapist or talk to them. It's an open door. So you take the shame away from, hey, I'm a little upset today. Hey, I don't feel right. I'm angry or things aren't going well. We kind of as a balled it up, I'm Irish Catholic growing up. You don't talk about those things. You just suck it up until you're the day you die at the factory. So again, role modeling, seeing me go to therapy is gonna set tremendous
inroads for their future relationships and there and when life gets harder as adults, like, Dad went to therapy. It's totally fine. I'm just going to go talk to somebody and that could save their life someday, especially if this teen work at MAYA, like the suicidal ideation based on social media and mental health and not being good enough and external validation, you can save your kid's life by going to therapy, by talking about with them, by doing programs like MAYA to know that they have an option when things get dark in their own brain and you don't know things are dark in their brain.
You know, they can be looking, getting straight A's, high school quarterback or cheerleader, but there's dark thoughts that teenagers go through. You want to make sure they know there's an avenue or something to do about those thoughts, you know, other than self-harm. As adults, we go through this as well, and we went through it as kids. And I think one of the reasons that I'm so committed to helping teens and young people is because I wish that this kind of programming was available to me when I was younger.
I had my first major depressive episode at 17 and no one really knew what it was. I couldn't quite articulate what it was, but I became very disinterested in things that I was, I had always been interested in. I'd always been a really good student. I'd always had great friendships. I nurtured my friendships. I spent time outside of school with my friends. My parents facilitated all of those things. And all of a sudden my junior year in high school, I was 17 years old and I stopped going to classes. That's how it began.
Preeti Davidson (11:36.43)
And then I started to feel an enormous amount of shame for not going to classes. So because I wasn't going to classes, I stopped hanging out with my friends because I didn't want them to know. And I didn't want them to think I was a bad person. And then I withdrew from talking to my parents. And then I was, I grew up in New York City. I would ride the subway alone instead of going to school altogether. And thank God there are safety nets in place.
for schools because the reason my parents found out that this was all happening and they were really, really surprised and shocked because I'd never done anything like this before. I was a high achieving student. I was an incredibly obedient goody two shoes of a daughter and they were really surprised. What was happening in my head was very different than the reality. In my head, I was a terrible person. In my head, because I
had these, what I now know as an adult, very normal feelings. And anxiety and depression are mental illnesses that run in my family. I'm genetically predisposed to those things. We didn't talk about that. I am hopeful that we, as a society, are destigmatizing mental health issues as well as addiction issues as very normal parts of the human experience.
for no other reason than to help our children go through these normal things and know that there are solutions to these problems and that we can't find these solutions and help one another if we hide in the shadows. And in terms of role modeling, making sure that we shine a light on our own issues as adults is really important part of showing our kids that they are not to be intimidated, ashamed or
or feel hopeless in any way. The acronym for hope is Hold On Pain Ends. It's one I think about often. And as a young person, it's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And as adults, one of the things that we now have so much evidence of in our own lives is that we've gotten through 100% of our worst days. And it's really good information that we can pass on to.
Preeti Davidson (13:57.358)
our kids as well. But if you're having a really bad day or a bad week or what feels like a bad year, hold on, pain ends. And the things that you can turn to that will actually make things worse, like substances, like self harm, they actually will not make anything better. And they are also
ways for you to, if those are things that you're considering, if those are things that have crossed your mind, there's zero shame in that. Those are also really human patterns of behavior. And the most important thing at that point is for the teen or the young person to be empowered to talk to a parent, to talk to someone that they trust about it because we have solutions for all of these issues.
Like you said, where did the teen learn to get alcohol to numb the pain? mom and dad. But did the teen also learn that it's okay to ask for therapy or want to go to therapy? Did mom and dad talk about it and say it was fine and it's a great thing? So they're learning to take alcohol and maybe other things and they're watching you as a parent deal with these stresses, whether it's a marital stress or losing a job by drinking. But you're giving them that role model, but you're not giving the role model to a solution to that pain. You're just telling them how to numb a pain: we drink.
That's kind of what it is. One of the reasons that I'm so open about my own struggles with alcoholism and drug addiction and self-harm is because of this concept of role modeling and how important it is. I am not ashamed that I went through all of those things. In fact, because I work so hard at overcoming them and because it's a daily
There are things that I do every single day and that I will do every single day for the rest of my life to keep my incurable disease of addiction at bay. I'm actually really proud of that work. I'm also so relieved that I didn't have to live in the shadows and I didn't have to live under this terrible veil of shame and regret. And that...
Preeti Davidson (16:13.102)
and that there's a whole community of mental health professionals and addiction specialists and inpatient rehab and all the tools in my toolbox. I've used every single one and I'm accumulating more every day. And so I'm really open about those struggles because I know that if I shine a light on my own journey that I hope that it will help others. And certainly a parent's greatest fear is having a son or daughter
you know, die or commit suicide in that sense. And there's a lot of tough discussions you have as a parent, whether it's about sex or, you know, using these substances, but not many parents can ask the question, how often do you think about suicide? Do you ideate on suicide? Because they don't want the answer and they don't want to, you know, that goes into it, but you have to have these discussions with your kids because the alternative of not asking and talking about it is the worst pain a parent could feel. So.
That originally drew me to MAYA as a very powerful force to have these, how to talk to a child about this, how to bring parents and child, children together when this external validation fails or they turn to substances, because they saw you do it, like alcohol or other things. How do you have that discussion about it is natural to think about your own death. It's not something that people don't think about, but where are you at and what kind of pressure are you under? And again, just.
As I always have an expression, nobody dies tonight. That's the whole, every parent has, whether you're dealing with teens drinking or driving or what's going on in their life, the whole, every parent has to say first thing, nobody dies tonight's the first rule. So let's figure this out. And hopefully we can, you know, talk to people and get people having those conversations through MAYA and working with also teens and adults. So how, how could an adult or a parent who likes what they're hearing get in touch with us?
That's right. You can get in touch with us on our website at www.maya4life.com. That's maya4life.com and you can find us on Tik TOK YouTube and our Instagram. All right. Make sure you like us, subscribe, follow us, do all that stuff. It's on the bottom or the side and you will be back with another episode soon.
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