Dating Pet Peeves Transcript
Curt (00:00)
Hello everybody, Curt and Preeti here with konvodating.com. But we're not a dating app, we're a relationship app. Preeti and I are gonna go back and forth. We're gonna tell you the do's and don'ts for your first date Some of the things you should do and some of the things you shouldn't do that lead to horror stories. All right, Preeti, you're up. Give me one thing is an absolute turnoff on date number one.
Preeti (00:20)
Alright, is this in order? Because I got a lot of them.
Curt (00:22)
Pick the one that triggers you the most.
Preeti (00:24)
Okay,
Please match your photo. Please don't show up telling me that you're 5 '10 and really you're about 5 '5. I don't actually care how tall you are, but now I care that you're a liar.
Curt (00:28)
Ohhhh
All right. Well, that's true. Actually there's height and lying about the photo. You actually grabbed my number three spot and men lying about their height is certainly a separate issue. So I'm only going to give you lying about height. Number one, if you go out with a gentleman, do not talk the whole time. The idea of getting together is to learn about each other. So there've been instances where I've been out on first dates where the female would talk literally for 48 out of the 52 minutes as I counted once and watched on my clock.
And I genuinely said at the end, like, look, we're probably not a match and that's okay. But I just want you to know of the 52 minutes we sat here and had coffee, you literally talked for 48 of them. I said nothing. So you don't know anything about me. You didn't come here to learn. And if you're nervous, is that's what you say, why you did it. Then realize that before you start the date, like, Hey, let me ask some questions. Let me listen, not just talk. So for most men who are going out on a date, especially say plus 40.
If you're going to talk the whole time and tell them your story, have something where you're actually listening and trying to find out about him too.
Preeti (01:42)
Well, yeah, I mean, and I think for us women, we're often triggered by men mansplaining to us. And for those of you who don't know, mansplaining is something that men often do when they talk down in a condescending way to a woman to explain something to them that is fairly obvious. And if it's not, that's manspreading. That's another pet peeve actually.
Curt (02:02)
I thought that was how I'm sitting right now, I thought this was mansplaining, but go ahead.
gotcha.
Preeti (02:09)
But I was actually on a date once where a man who was a business owner is I am told me that he could really help me learn how to be good at business things, his words, not mine, and that he would be really happy to mentor me. And it was the most condescending Yeah. Yeah.
Curt (02:23)
Mmm.
What gentleman, what a giving gentleman, a good heart.
Preeti (02:29)
Yeah, he wasn't going to get a second date because there was zero chemistry, which was the other thing is that he had no awareness that there was zero chemistry because there was chemistry for him. But there definitely wasn't for me. And that solidified the I am never going to see you again. I'm going to block you from my phone as soon as I leave this restaurant.
Curt (02:48)
Sure. And talking down to someone based on your societal rank, your job rank has certainly come up in dating shows. And you're right. Talking down to someone, because you might have an MBA or an MD degree or some advanced degree, and you feel like you could mentor them or teach them without being asked, by the way, is certainly an aggressive stance as far as getting to know someone. I will agree with you on the pictures. I don't know why people will put up a series of pictures and filters and then show up on a date and look
two standard deviations off. We all want to put up a nice picture and our best look, but I don't understand because that just creates distrust and dishonesty when a man or woman shows up on a date. And let's face it, looks almost nothing like their picture. How do you handle that as a woman?
Preeti (03:29)
Yeah, so that's happened as well. And the first time it happened to me, I didn't really know what to do. But the thing that I couldn't get out of my head was not that this person wasn't attractive and I wasn't attracted to him and I wouldn't have been, but it was that he was really willing to go to any lengths to get me to do something that he wanted, regardless of any concern for me or my well -being. And that is definitely not a person that I would want in my life as an acquaintance, let alone...
is a love interest. I think as time goes on, you sort of learn to mitigate that risk. And the way that I did it was that I would have a phone conversation and that if that phone conversation went well, I would do video chat. There was no first date in person without a video chat because I needed to see you. needed to know that you matched your photo.
Curt (04:13)
Hmm.
Preeti (04:19)
There's other things that you can tell from video. If a person makes eye contact with you on video or if they stare at their hands the whole time, those kinds of things translate really poorly in person. Like I was once on a date with somebody who stared at his food and let me do the entire talking. It was basically like being on a date with myself, except there was a person sitting at my table eating.
Curt (04:44)
out
I will agree. And we've had this conversation at konvodating.com what is the correct procedure if you show up and someone is clearly misrepresented their looks into a much more positive way in pictures and
what is the etiquette? And I 100 % agree that you have the right to set the boundary because they were dishonest, dishonest to a point to get you there or knew that they were being dishonest that you 100 % can say you do not look like your pictures. So I don't know what else you would lie about or create this facade. And you can absolutely leave. If you show up and they look that different from their pictures, I don't think there's anything wrong, shame or guilt that you should have to sit with them or be with them saying, nope, this isn't
what you presented isn't real and you did this on purpose. So I am under no obligation to let you get away with it or to sit here and pretend it's okay. How do you feel about that?
Preeti (05:35)
Absolutely. What you have done is dishonest and I don't feel comfortable continuing this date and I'm setting a boundary and I wish you really well. And you can just get up and leave at that point. that's why it's really good to meet people in public, in very public spaces. Don't go to somebody's home. Don't go on a hike in the woods. Don't do those things on a first date. Really, you need to get to know that person and we have to remember that we're meeting strangers.
To that end, my biggest pet peeve is one that is a little bit different for women than it is for men, I think. it includes personal physical safety. And it hasn't happened that much, but it has definitely happened a couple of times where I have felt very unsafe with the person. And it's been for a number of reasons. In one instance, he sat down.
planted a gigantic kiss on me and proceeded to maul me like a bear and like just wouldn't stop touching me. And I honestly froze. And I think that this is something that happens with women. I am a 46 year old woman. I know how to protect myself. And in that moment, I was so taken aback by his behavior that I actually had a freeze response. that's a trigger response. That's a trauma response.
And so I didn't really know what to do in that moment. And he proceeded to touch me he sat next to me at dinner. I'd never met him before. And he proceeded to touch me inappropriately through the next 45 minutes. And eventually I did leave. But it took me a while to kind of get my, to sort of figure out what was happening and that I should leave. And I think that if I had heard somebody on a video saying, hey,
that's not okay, you get to tell the waiter that you feel unsafe and you get to get up and say, I am done with this date, this date is over, don't ever contact me again, you are completely inappropriate.
Curt (07:25)
that's boundaries. And you don't look 46 by the way, but those are boundaries, like you said, and you want to set them up. I'll also say, cause you said the waiter, if you go out, depending on how old you are and how you were brought up, it's okay to offer to pay or at least go half. If it's assumed that you, don't know the other person's background and culture. sure. Traditionally men would pay for a date if we're going back to, you know, the forties and fifties and all that. But, it's okay to offer to pay. I think that's something you can do.
But to assume the other person's going to pay because they asked you out or vice versa, I think leaves it's definitely watched is what are the expectations around early payment. And again, you may never pay if the man wants to pay for the coffee or the ice cream or the dinner, but you can offer. I think that's that's a genuine thing from human to human, not about dating to say, again, I don't know your situation. I don't know what your expectations are. So you can at least offer
to pay, even if you really don't want to.
Preeti (08:17)
And you know, that's absolutely right because we're complete strangers. We've never met before. We don't have any obligations to one another. And there's an unwritten social contract that we come together and hopefully we have a nice time and we do it again. And so there is opportunities for reciprocity in the future. But setting the tone that reciprocity is important.
to you in a relationship on that first date as a woman by offering to pay whether or not he takes you up on that. And also you can't be salty if he says, okay, because you did offer. It's not okay to make that offer and have it be a disingenuous offer. You need to go into that meeting. Right, it's not a trap. You need to go into that meeting saying, you know what? I'm going to pay at least my share of this because this is somebody who has zero obligation to me that I would like to get to know.
Curt (08:52)
Right, like a trap.
Preeti (09:05)
but we don't know each other yet. We are virtual strangers. And I think we need to normalize that as women. We put a lot of stock in whether or not a man is going to pay for something as to whether or not he respects you. And I am here to say that it has zero to do with whether or not he respects you, whether he's gonna pay for that date or not. And saying, and actually having the agency to say, pay my own way until I get to know somebody is something that can be quite empowering.
I will also say that if I am not going to see that person again, it is not negotiable. I will 100 % pay my half of
Curt (09:42)
Gotcha. that's interesting knowing you're not going to see him again. And of course the blink reaction would be great. Let them pay. I'll never see him again, but you don't want that social contract or obligation of a favor done and not returned.
Preeti (09:52)
Yeah. There's no opportunity for reciprocity in the future. Therefore, we are done. This is our first and only coffee meal, whatever.
Curt (10:01)
Yep, I hear you. Well, I hope that helps. If the dating app world is not your thing and you're getting a little frustrated, go over to konvodating.com, a new relationship app. Put your email in, get on the early bird list. It's for people doing the work.
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