Parents of kids going to college: it's not too late to talk about alcohol transcript
Hey, Curt and Preeti here from Maya4Life.com. Curt, it is August and about two and a half million American students are headed to their first year in college, which means that somewhere between two and a half and five million parents are in tears, excited, in dread, I don't know.
is seeing their therapist for an extra session this week. Your boys aren't quite there yet, but I think The biggest topics on parents' minds and concerns, include sex and drugs and alcohol and navigating
life as an adult for the first time. What do you have to say to these parents? Well, how can we help them? Well, it's certainly been a great week this week as a lot of the MAYA students, boys and girls are going off to college are preparing and the parents, you we have those courses for them. And I think the decisions that these young people are going to make this week, one,
meeting their roommates, living with another human being for the first time and the social aspects of that and the give and take as far as habits, cleanliness, how late the music gets played, who turns the lights on, will there be people of the other sex or same sex in the room? Things like that are very important. there be sex in the room? What's that? Will there be sex in the room? Will there be sex in the room, right? But the decisions they're making about alcohol, cannabis use, vaping.
and even sexual practice could affect them the rest of their lives. And of course, there's a huge blitz, no pun intended, at schools this week to get into fraternities, sororities, get freshmen into a certain group So having those discussions this week with the MAYA parents and the MAYA students, the actual people going to college, letting them know it's OK to set their boundaries, whether they choose to drink, how much they choose to drink, whether they use cannabis, whether they don't.
They'll probably be within their dorm or wherever they're set up. People that are running out to their first frat party in their red solo cup that night on day one. There'll be others that ease into it. And the social pressures that come to know that, A, that's an external validation. And it's very OK to decide a certain pattern. I'm going to wait and see. I'm not going to drink. Maybe I'll go socialize. And that it isn't a negative thing if someone else chooses a different path. So they can choose one way.
One drink a week, no drinks, gonna go out only on Fridays. But if they're roommates and people that they're trying to bond with decide to go every night and drink and party or not, it's okay, right? Whatever your answer is, is right for you. And it's not about being externally validated by being in a clique that always goes to the frat party or the sorority or goes out to the local bar that lets underage kids in.
and making those decisions and knowing your boundaries. Because that's the only person you can work on. You can't change your roommates. You won't be able to change their habits. You can have open discussions about what's expected or what you'd like and how you want to proceed. But that it's OK if, say, you're in a room of four and two people tend to be quote partiers and you don't want to drink or vice versa, that their decisions are completely internal and support their beliefs. Because you do have situations where kids make decisions these first two weeks of college that they look back on in four or five years that send them down a world of drinking to numb pain to become on a road that could lead to AUD, alcohol use disorder, or through cannabis or through other things. So it's a big week for parents to talk to their kids about, hey, guess what? I just dropped you off. I know the parents are driving away happy driving back home or maybe sad depending, but
They're on their own now, their boots on the ground with social pressure as young adults to drink, to smoke, to have sex and to be part of a group. And you need to talk to your kids about how they want to brand themselves, what they want to define themselves as. And it's okay if other people's don't agree or aren't that same brand. Right. And it's also not following the crowd, not mom mentality. If you have boundaries and values that you want to adhere to,
when you get to school and they're being violated, then maybe those are not the people you're meant to hang out with. And if they do turn out to be a roommate or somebody with whom you're in close proximity and you don't really have a way out, there are resources, there are negotiation skills, there are ways to learn how to talk to these people and that there are people who will help you like your resident assistant, your graduate assistant, other people in the housing office, a dean, a college counselor.
a faculty member, there are people who will help you navigate. the parents from MAYA and our students, we've been having these conversations for quite some time now. And a lot of our parents start this conversation well in advance of school. And of course, at MAYA, our program does focus on maladaptive coping strategies. Are you using food or shopping or sex or drugs or alcohol?
to make yourself feel good, to fit in, to be popular, to numb your pain, or are you developing healthy coping strategies? And our kids and our parents have made a decision and have vowed to develop those healthy coping strategies and they take that with them to school. So rest assured, there are ways for you to deal with this, even if you haven't been a MAYA student and a MAYA parent.
Curt, what would you say if you haven't necessarily gone in and had these in -depth conversations with your kids up till this point? Is there still hope? Can you still get through to them? What would you say to those parents who are maybe panicking that they haven't done enough? Well, as we've learned from our own feedback at MAYA, it's never too late. And so if you're assuming your son or daughter who is adulting for the first time is an infant adult, yes, you're playing the bills or helping with the loans and they're getting fed by a third party, make sure there's food.
but they're kind of adulting. And so if you think that they're okay, because they were living at home and you kind of talked to them or said, don't drink and drive or don't party, you need to have a discussion about the massive change when you're not there, they're sleeping in a new bedroom with four, three new people in different rooms, whatever, and the pressure to be socially accepted, right? And that generally includes alcohol. And if you role modeled alcohol for them as a parent on how you handle stress or how you handle difficulties,
That's all they know to cope.
Until you talk to them
So what do you think they're gonna do the first two weeks of college if it goes a little rough and there's a few bumps and bruises along the way? I know, I'm gonna go to that party tonight and have a couple of drinks, because that's what I saw my parents, who I love and trust you. So certainly have the conversation. It's better to have the conversation now on the phone, even if you have to or FaceTime, than not have it at all and look back and say, boy, I wish I caught something early.
in that college career, because now we're dealing with a more serious problem, whether it's alcohol, drugs, or other addictions, eating like the freshman 15, talk about that. Food is often used. A lot of people who don't drink and don't want to do cannabis, they'll put on a lot of weight, because there's going to be a release to handle that stress. So that's a call and a conversation you should have. It's not too late.
And we also know that, they're leaving the nest for the first time. So if you haven't had these in -depth conversations, it is okay to do that now in the days leading up to dropping them off at school, because they're not going to have the same safety nets. And that's actually your entree into opening up this conversation with your son or daughter is to say, hey, the rules have been a little bit different at home.
I knew where you were, I knew your friends, parents, I was able to be there for you. We had agreements about this, you're off in the world now and you have to be your own safe place. And you're ready for this, I trust you with this. You are absolutely ready for this, but here's what this could look like and here's how I would navigate it. And you can put yourself in their shoes and empathize with them and try to sort of role play a little bit about what would it be like to say no to a drink or a drug or. or even to say no to a party, to decide to stay at home and do your studying or stay at home and watch a movie with some new friends. Like these are all viable options. FOMO is where so many of us, including myself, got into trouble. I didn't want to miss out on anything. The idea of other people having fun without me was really, really painful for me my 18 year old brain. I didn't really understand that.
It was in my better interest to do things that would build me and lift me instead of to do things that will temporarily solve my problem of loneliness. And one of the biggest things that we're tasking our kids with when we send them off to school is for them to actually know how to meet their own needs. And we talk about HALT with our students. HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. If you're feeling off, if they're feeling like there's something wrong,
and maybe they're like, FOMO. Maybe I wanna like hang out. Maybe I wanna go out and drink and rage a little bit. It's probably not that. Are you hungry? Have you eaten today? Have you eaten something nourishing or have you just had some sugar? Are you angry? Like did something happen? Are you feeling a little bit alienated? Are you feeling a little uncomfortable in your own skin? Totally normal because you're out doing something that you've never done before. And it's gonna take a little bit for your body and your brain to adapt. Are you lonely? Do you miss home?
totally okay and normal to miss home. No shame in that whatsoever. And there are ways that we can deal with that. There are, you know, we have FaceTime now, we have Zoom, we have video chat, we have so many ways that we can connect with one another. But reaching out and saying I'm lonely is not a shameful thing. We need to tell our kids that. And then are you tired? Are you burning the candle at both ends? Were you at that frat party until two o 'clock in the morning and had to go to class at 8am the next day?
Probably, and it might be that you're gonna make some mistakes along the way to learn that these are not things that are gonna ultimately serve you. You want your kids to be able to go out and make their mistakes, but you want to make sure that they're safe. And I think acknowledging that
They're not always gonna make the right decision, but that they can self -correct and that they can come and talk to you about anything, even if it's not their proudest moment. Keep those lines of dialogue open. It's probably the best and most efficient safety net that you could have while they're away from you is that they know they can come to you with anything and not feel shame and not be afraid. And that's part of living in their reality. Parents get caught up as we've seen talking to them.
that, no, I've given the talk, I've done this, they know. And it's like, in your reality, you want a "No" to everything, right? Sex, drugs, rock and roll, drinking, staying up late, like, but that's not their reality. The first, second day they're there, when three or four kids are running through the dorm saying, big party at Tri-delt tonight, who's going? Everybody's going, it's going to be crazy, it's going be sick, it's going be awesome. If you don't go and you're not part of that group, then you're not part of that and you're not with them. And that's social pressure.
And so you're talking to them about that and defining who they want to be. And it's okay to say, no, I'm good tonight. And it's okay. And you're not an outcast and certainly that's their reality every night that first week as frats and sororities. I'm not picking on that, those organizations, but that's their reality. The first two weeks groups put hard pressure on kids to join. And a lot of that includes the carrot, you call it, of drinking or whatever. talking to your kids about that wave that's about to come at them in the first two weeks, and it's okay to pick and choose what they choose to do. I'm not saying abstinence, no pun intended on everything, but to take it in moderation or to take it or leave it is all okay. There's no shame and guilt in trying it or no shame and guilt in not doing it. And that the social pressure is all in your head.
And let's not underestimate how many young people are part of a sober movement now. There are young people choosing to abstain from alcohol and drugs and marijuana, and we should encourage them. And they are not feeling ostracized. They are feeling very much agents of their own future. They feel very much empowered by the choices that they've made. And they will meet like -minded people. If you have a set of values, you will attract people into your life.
that also have that set of values. It's highly likely that your friends will end up being people who don't party if you're somebody who doesn't party. There's one more thing I'd like to add, and it's that, this is all very scary. It's all new, right? And anytime that we do anything new, anytime that there is a major life change that's happening, our first emotion tends to be fear.
And fear is completely normal. Let's normalize fear. Let's normalize discomfort. Let's normalize not knowing what it's gonna be like and being uncertain if people are gonna like me. And for me, I had this sense of unbelonging. I've talked about that a lot in the context of my recovery, but going to college and not feeling like you fit in and not feeling like you belong, that's normal. And...
I actually did not know that that was normal. I thought that I was the exception to that rule. I thought that everybody else seemed to be having a great time and I felt really out of place. And it wasn't my freshman year that I found alcohol, but I did find it in my sophomore and junior year. And that led me down a pretty slippery slope. And the reason I say let's normalize these feelings is that there's a lot of pressure for us to just go out in the world and get it and feel like we belong. And we don't.
always get there. Like I was not the kid that was gonna get there those first few weeks. But if I had somebody reinforcing to me that it was totally okay to not feel okay, I think eventually I would have figured it out and I would have found my tribe. we want our kids to have a good time in school. We want them to feel like they've made it. They've worked so hard these last four years to get there.
And we want them to be able to celebrate and own that. But at the same time, it's okay if it doesn't feel good. I promise you it will feel good. Just hold on pain ends, right? Hold on, freshman year will get better. It's not necessarily gonna always feel right, but it will get right and you'll figure it out. Yeah, I totally agree. And you will find your tribe as we say.
telling your son or daughter that you don't have to drink or you can drink very sparingly if you choose. And there's thousands of kids on your campus like that. And certainly the legalization movement with Cali sober or people just using cannabis. The good news is alcohol seems to be on the decline as they said, it's a long con. John Mayer's famous line. There's a generation coming up that is not believing in alcohol, which is great. But again, cannabis use has its own issues as well to look at in college.
let them know their tribe is there. Sporadic drinking, no drinking, whatever the decision is, there are like -minded people. You will not be alone. You will not be isolated and never asked to a party again and left alone. There's athletes, right? There's nerds. There's like the whole breakfast club right in front of you. So you'll find your tribe. Yep. Yep. All right, Curt. So where can they find more information on MAYA? Maybe they have some siblings at home. We haven't gone to school yet that we can help. Yeah. They're like, my God, we got to get our junior talking to these people.
MAYA for Life, maya4life.com. And we have adult courses as well as teen and tween courses that deal with self -confidence, self -esteem and all the challenges they face in their world starting their adulting as we like to say. That's right. Thanks so much for joining us. We're so excited. Congratulations to the class of 2028. We couldn't be more proud of you. It's okay to not be okay. You're gonna be just fine eventually.
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