Susan Transcript
Preeti Davidson (00:00.098)
Good morning, it's Preeti. I was thinking that I would tell you about Susan this morning. Susan is the name that I gave my alcoholism after my friend Janet gave her disease the name Stacey. And apologies to all the lovely Susans and Stacey's in the world, but my disease has a voice and for my whole life, it has told me terrible things about myself. Most
which are not true, some of which are true, but not exactly helpful to be constantly berated. So I don't know if you've experienced this, but this constant flutter of criticism, internal criticism in my head, I noticed in recovery, I've had food issues my whole life. I've sort of veered between extreme food restriction and binge eating. And notice that when I would take a bite of food, Susan would be like, you're so fat, you're so fat, you're so fat. Like almost with like every chew, it was really persistent. And I spent a lot of time in therapy trying to figure out whose voice was this? Was this, know, who's to blame? Is it my mom? Is it my dad? And the answer is no. This is the voice of my alcoholism and my alcoholism even before I ever picked up a
had been telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough or lovable enough, and that I just wasn't enough, that I wasn't worthy, that I had no value, that I had to earn my keep, I had to earn a place in the world. And when you start out with kind of a baseline of you're not good enough, which I think a lot of people feel, that's not necessarily only attributed to an addiction mindset, more often than not, those of us with addiction do have that mindset. And we spend a lot of our time in recovery, combating it, overriding it. It's like a system override. And I think I do that much more successfully now than I ever have before. At the very least, I know that when these thoughts pop into my head, that they're not the truth, that it is an insidious part of my brain trying to tell me
Preeti Davidson (02:23.765)
everything is okay or even when things aren't okay that they could just get worse. So I find myself in an interesting moment in my recovery. And I want to acknowledge this moment because I'm really happy and happiness is not a state that we stay in for a long time. I think we can be content. I think we can be at peace. I think we can find serenity, all those things. And those things can have
periods of time where we're sitting very, very comfortably. But happiness, joy, sadness on the other side of the spectrum, these are kind of elevated feelings that don't necessarily last or linger too long. especially when the feelings are good, I think it's really important to take a moment and celebrate and acknowledge and have gratitude for it because it is fleeting, because We weren't built to have happiness be.
this sort of default state. At the same time, we weren't built to have misery be our default state. So I like, think there's a saying, strive for a five. And I hate this saying because I'm an all or nothing sort of person, right? I like living at the extremes. I like living at the good extremes. So I want joy and happiness and abundance and all those things and I don't want the other stuff. But, you know, living your life kind of down the line in the middle, being in the middle for most of it. And then when life throws you a curve ball, you know, there will be suffering, there will be some pain, but we can come back to center. And then when things get really good, we can be excited, we can be grateful, we can try to spread that joy, but then we also come back to center. So right now I'm in a joyful moment and it's because I've made some decisions in my personal life that have really freed up my energy and time and space for the things that matter and countless, the things that feed me, feed my soul, feed my life and make me useful to other people. And because of this, and by the way, this wasn't just a one -off.
Preeti Davidson (04:39.455)
overnight sort of thing. This is the last three years in recovery, being mindful of that which serves me and over time learning to relinquish, set boundaries and not participate in things that don't serve me, not participate in drama and chaos. I'm attracted to drama and chaos. I believe that that is also part of the pathology of addiction.
And again, a human trait that in the mind of an addict goes to an extreme. And then our coping skill to quash and numb with a substance, whether it be food or drugs or alcohol, or even shopping or sex or external validation, social media, anything that's sort of obsessive and compulsive, or even the good things. Eating super healthy, but then maybe veering into extreme food restriction.
I've done before or exercising and then exercising as in obsessively every single day multiple times a day. Not the worst when you compare it to getting up in the morning and drinking but also not sustainable and again not living that centered life being at another extreme. So point being I am feeling very grateful for a few things. A new friendship which has been really rewarding.
and which I have to trust is the product and result of two people being genuine and caring, not needing to decide where that's going or what it's meant to be, but being fully present in the moment, in this moment where I've made a new friend and he's pretty awesome and he's really nice to me and I get to be really nice to him and it doesn't need to be more than
I have to tell myself that a lot. Striving for the middle. Didn't say that I was there. I don't live there necessarily. just want, I just know that that's the center is where I'm meant to be. And the center is actually where the opportunities of growth come from because my energy is focused because I can be mindful and measured about how I'm spending my time because I'm not in a crisis mode and I'm not in elevated mode. am in
Preeti Davidson (07:04.639)
I'm in my person, I'm comfortable in my skin. And then other things that are really wonderful, A friend of mine asked me to help with something to do with her kids and I feel really, really honored, surprised. Not because I'm an unwilling friend, unwilling to roll up my sleeves and help, but because I'm still surprised when someone chooses me. And I don't say that with any kind
false sense of humility or even humility. That's kind of my inner child. Nobody loves me stuff, right? But I know that that's not true. It's just wonderful and delightful when somebody sees you and recognizes something that you have to offer. And I hope that, you know, having this experience where someone has done that for me, I hope that that inspires me to make sure that I'm doing that for other people as well.
because connecting in that way is real. And I think the whole point of why we're here together on this crazy planet where difficult things happen, but so do the opportunities for meaningful relationships and love and creation and harmony between people. When we harmonize, beautiful things happen and they don't also serve the extremes, they serve the center.
And then finally, I've been writing. I've always wanted to be a writer. It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. I was in first grade the first time I wrote something and it was a poem. And I remember the feeling of the words just coming together, that there was something that I had to express, really a feeling more than anything else, wasn't really a story, it was a feeling. And then I could do that with words. There was something so special and magical about
making that connection. And so I've avoided being one my whole life. In my career, I was a fundraiser for over 20 years. There was a lot of persuasive writing. There was a lot of compelling writing. was, you know, being very impassioned about my projects that I was raising money for and all the good that we were doing in the world. So it was there. And, you know, I've been a communicator my whole life in my career, who definitely gave me many opportunities to communicate.
Preeti Davidson (09:27.565)
But when you have a dream and you actually even go to school for it and you put it aside, for the most part, it's very easy to feel like that was a lofty goal from the past that has no relevance now. And so for many years, I'd say almost 40, I didn't make that part of my center. I thought of it in terms of the extremes. So, you know, a few drinks in.
I'm gonna be a famous writer. I'm gonna be a screenwriter. I'm gonna be a playwright and have a play on Broadway. Yeah, you can't do any of those things if you don't get up every day and write. Or if you don't get up and write, period. Not even necessarily every day. So I'd have these sort of delusions of grandeur on the bar stool, right? I think that that's something that a lot of us have done, a lot of us in recovery, a lot of us who are still out there active in our addictions are doing that currently.
And I did that for a long time. Came from a good place. But I was so mired in self -doubt and alcohol. Pouring alcohol on self -doubt creates a terrible fire. I mean, it's scorched earth, right? Pouring alcohol on self -doubt means that any semblance of self -esteem, any semblance of I could actually do something in the world, you're too tired. You're too physically...
drained and then the emotional consequences of drinking, not even alcoholically, but honestly regularly, or even a little alcohol as a toxin. We don't talk about that. We don't talk about the poisonous aspects of what one drink does to the body. One drink shuts down your frontal lobe, your executive functioning, all of the higher thinking that we have and all we are left with is fight or flight. Very, very primitive form of thinking.
Survival. Imagine being in survival mode your whole life? That is definitely not being in the center. So I started writing and you know what? Everything I do now as a sober woman is not pure self -interest. I won't say that there's no self -interest because I like feeling good. I like being accomplished. But my motivation, my drive, and this comes directly from my gratitude, being
Preeti Davidson (11:50.007)
being sober, it's not easy getting sober. It's not easy staying sober. And I'm so grateful for this opportunity. And I'm grateful, but also hopeful that I will always know that I've got to work every single day at this and never take it for granted. Being sober has brought so much meaning to my life and it's not lost on me that there were points.
previous to getting sober that I may not have made it, that I may have died. And that included suicidal ideation and a suicide attempt in February of 2020, which very luckily did not work. I don't totally understand logically or chemically or scientifically why it didn't work, but I'm so grateful that it didn't. I'm so grateful that even though the months following that very, very dark moment,
were probably even darker in that moment. Those were the steps that led me to get help. Those were the steps that led me to get help, receive help, ask for help every day, and now be able to help others. So I believe that it may not be why I didn't die, but since I didn't die, I've decided to assign meaning to it. And the meaning that I've assigned is that I am here.
And I need to be grateful for that. And the living gratitude that I express daily is in my desire and in actually helping other people. Hence these videos and hence the writing. you know, I wouldn't be a well sober woman today if it weren't for other well sober women and some men who have helped me in the last three years. And we don't do any of it alone.
We teach each other how. So everybody who has made some strides in recovery and getting sober has wisdom to share, experience to share. And there's an underlying trust between us because only another addict or alcoholic can really understand what this is and what this feels like and how we do things that are the opposite of our own best interests or that
Preeti Davidson (14:13.899)
many others, how we do things that are incredibly selfish, that are really just full of ego and pride and mired and stuck in the muck of self. Only another addict understands the shame that we carry and the desire that somebody will pluck us out of that hell and extend a helping hand. And somehow many of us who were not ready for
one day became ready. And oftentimes that follows a very, very dark period that people refer to as their bottom. So I wrote about my bottom. And what was cathartic about it is that it helped me connect so many dots. I talk endlessly about this unlovable feeling that I had, not the truth of my circumstances. I was very fortunate that I was surrounded by love.
but I never felt like I belonged and I didn't feel deserving of it and I felt like I needed to earn my place in the world. And the truth is that you are worthy because you exist.
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